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To paraphrase Queen Elizabeth II; what a horrible anus 2020 has been. A big, fat, horrible, swollen, pustulent anus of a year, with a global pandemic severing the main artery of our lifeblood – and placing our tourism and hospitality industries under more pressure than Clive Palmer’s thongs.


For mine, one of the most disappointing flow on effects from a lack of international visitors is a lack of international visitor’s complaints. As international tourism dries up so do the hilarious and bizarre grievances of people experiencing a different country to their own. For many, the joy of travel is in the discovery, the magic of the unexpected, immersing yourself in the cultural and geographical differences, experiencing the newness of it all. For some, travel is an opportunity to bust out your social media and have a good whinge while exposing your own ignorance. But it makes for ridiculously fun reading – allow me to run through my top 5 tourist complaints.

The brochure did not mention mosquitos.

“No one told us there would be fish in the water, the children were scared”. Nothing a warning label on our brochures can’t fix – ‘Caution: The ocean may contain traces of fish’.

Another fave “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitos”. No one likes being bitten by a mozzie, but if you had to choose between being bitten by a crocodile, a shark or a mosquito – she’s dodged a bullet.

“The beaches were too sandy” was another gripe. How much sand is too much sand? Is there an international standard of measurement that beaches are supposed to comply with?

And now we move indoors with a lady who complained “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg slicer in the draws”. Turns out there was, it was between the strawberry stem remover and the asparagus peeler, slightly obscured by the fondue set. In my opinion, a fully equipped kitchen is a bottle opener.

And to wrap up the top 5, I love the story of a man who complained to his waiter that the soup was too thick. The waiter pointed out to the man that he was drinking from the gravy boat.


Looking at that list I feel I should have been more vocal with my one and only disappointment in Scotland, and maybe lodged a complaint.





Unicorn. Not one.

Why is it their national animal FFS.



Written by Jules Steer

JUTE’s stage awaits the remarkable and indefatigable Steven Tandy